Date: 23rd April 2017 at 4:38pm
Written by:

Apologies for the blogging delay, but I am partial to a spot of church defilement on a Sunday.

Maurico Pochettino, the World’s 3rd Greatest Living Argentinian™ and savour at large took a sh*t with his clothes on yesterday.

While he was filling his underpants, some chickens came home to roost. Like watching an incontinent drunk trying to operate a KFC franchise.

This fiasco of a game to some extent hinged upon playing Son out of position.

Spurs were unsettled by this beyond naive gambit but that wasn’t the half of it.

The squad at Poch’s disposal may look magnificent against the likes of cannon fodder such as Swansea, but Champions elect Chelsea are a tad higher up the food chain than the woeful Welshmen.

Although apparently we won the stats!

MYTH.

Having watched the game closely and being a fakin expert on the subject, I can categorically tell you we did not. There is a stark difference between having the ball and doing anything useful with it.

Some of you are actually claiming this to be an achievement of some description. let me enlighten you. Of the 580 passes 477 were classed as being ‘short’.

I’ve no beef per se with short passes but we weren’t watching Serie A game yesterday. We were watching Spurs side being thwarted in pretty much all that they attempted.

And that was another thing that was bugging me when I was reading glowing Spurs reviews after the game. I didn’t get that vibe. I felt we were disjointed.

We were. We kept losing the bloody ball. Here are the most dispossessed players from yesterday. No surprise to see our man Alli at the top off the tree.

And guess what? Yup, the tackling stats prove that it was not only Chelsea that won that ball more. It was Chelsea that tried to win the ball more. Only Mousa got stuck in.

Too many of our lot went missing. Unforgivable in such a big game. Clearly they thought that this was a done deal and all they had to do was show up and we’d tickle another 4-0 out of it.

NEWSFLASH: This wasn’t flipping Bournemouth or Watford.

What happens when Spurs play a real team?

The wheels fall off. Tackling is a basic discipline. One that we managed to embarrass ourselves in.

Who’s that Kanté bloke again? Oh that’s right, the one that you told me was overpriced.

I could go on into the night, we had 11 corners to Chelsea’s 1. These stats we ‘excelled’ in are in a par with winning that godawful ‘Colour The Arch’ nonsense.

We were incapable of winning no matter how much we had of the ball as the squad is light. No shock that is a squad that has to hire Wembley as it isn’t good enough to earn the right to play there. More of that in due course.

The cold truth of it is that we scored twice against the run of play, despite our possession, opposed to because of it.

I’m bored senseless with the excuses that you Flat Earthers have made over the last 17 years and now my boredom slips effortlessly into a funk as Levy has the ‘Get Out Of Jail Free’ card of all time. Namely a £400million + debt.

You won’t see us win anything, but there’s a Cheese Room you could parody and a Micro Brewery that’ll probably be operated by some rubbish, flavourless, global mega corp, opposed to the excellent local craft brewers Redemption.

Spurs didn’t win anything yesterday because the manager had some class of neurological event whilst picking the team, combined with the grim reality that this squad when faced with anyone good …is so light it hurts.

Player autopsy to follow.

 
  • Aside from cerebrospinal fluid, what's on your mind?