Hugo Lloris – Appeared to age like David Bowie in The Hunger.
Bonzo – A sectioned man’s Luka Modric. Should come with a straightjacket.
Eric Dier – Any side with a decent sized squad would rotate him. He was up-cycled, now needs recycling.
Toby Alderweireld – The glue that bound us.
Jan Vertonghen – Gorilla Glue.
Ben Davies – Sadly sums up the Spurs money metric. Worth about a third of our number one choice.
Victor Wanyama – Stella goal, proper footballer. Amazing what you can pick up at the shops.
Mousa Dembumblebore – He’s like a fancy freight train. Or something.
Harry Winks – Degenerated into another official botherer. Pity that.
Dele Alli – A precious prick with bog brush sellotape’d to it.
Christian Eriksen – A con man’s con man.
Harry Kane – Should be used for scaring pigeons off caravan roofs.
Son Heung Min – Worth his weight in polystyrene chips. Again.
Vincent Janssen – Brought on in the 89th minute to emphasise how despised he is.
