AGUE, or INTERMITTENT FEVER, is a disease which prevails chiefly in marshy districts; the production of that condition of the atmosphere which originates it; being generally associated with the presence of decaying vegetable and animal matter. To this peculiar atmospheric state, the terms’ marsh miasma, and malaria, have been applied.”
Source: A Dictionary of Domestic Medicine and Household Surgery, Spencer Thomson, M.D., Groombridge and Sons, Paternoster Row, London. (1852) page 13.
Wherever there is a viral infection, the primary rule for cure is always to correctly identify the source of the illness. Today we know that malaria causes symptoms including fever, tiredness, vomiting, and headaches. In this particular, the malarial condition has very many similarities to that of Spursy (falsihopefulnessium cockerellis).
In the case of malaria, it was not until 1880 that the French doctor Charles Laveran correctly started to identify the cause of the infection as due to the agency of mosquitoes. This work ultimately led to a Nobel Prize for Physiology and Medicine in 1907. Until that triumph of forensic detection, the condition of Ague was best treated, as Spenser Thomson describes, by the following practice:
“High and thickly grown trees have the power of attracting and retaining marsh miasma… the fact is taken advantage of by the residents in such districts, for if they can place their dwellings that a belt of trees intervenes between them and the marsh, they are safe.”
So too with Spursy, where it has long been believed that the condition emanates from the Tottenham marshes. The belief has been that it is best countered by erecting substantial structures together with plenty of hot air as prevention against the dampening of spirits which the condition is known for. As with malaria, location has long been thought to be the main cause of this dreadful infection in N17.
Whilst such a cause of Spursy has been erroneously identified, there has been little hope of recovery. In a recent ‘package’ on the famous radio steam shed, TalkBalls, a saw bone by the name of O’Hara asked journalists, pundits, players, and managers to identify the cause of the disease. One golden comment was that sources inside the club believed that the windows were not open enough. Another opinion from a broken down and mostly unfamiliar ex-player was that the recruitment was not good enough.
The final comment from an ancient arborist who used to manage the local woodland in N17 was that there was not enough quality in the ground. All trees and no wood!
Just like Spenser Thomson, M.D., they all failed to identify the correct cause of Spursy and like all opinions on malaria before 1880, their diagnosis is worthless. However, there is now one Nobel practitioner, not French but Italian, who seems to have put his finger on the pulse of the problem and has correctly identified the main symptom of Spursy. Dr Antonio Conte is of no doubt whatsoever that the lack of a winning mentality is the infection of the spirit which describes this pernicious disease.
Dr. Conte’s researches are still in their early days and whilst he is clear on the symptoms of Spursy he remains partially reluctant to publicly state its cause. There are indications that the Italian maestro has a very good idea where this fly in the ointment sits within the ground but removing it may prove a lot more difficult than correctly identifying a solution to malaria.
There are important clues within the history of Spursy which may help to identify how Spursy came to find its way into N.17. Whilst many beyond the location of this viral infection believe that it has existed for hundreds of years, the truth is that the illness was only identified in the last 20 years. An artilleryman with all the wit of a cannonball invented the term sometime after 2008 and in the emerging age of un-social media, the label took hold.
The symptoms were visible and, like malaria, appeared to be seasonal, especially within the hot atmosphere when windows are open. Sufferers begin by feeling a heightened level of lightheadedness, which is accompanied by small but ludicrous expressions of hope. In a matter of weeks, a raging fever can take hold and the infected individual starts to issue spurious claims of future glories. The next stage is a sweating anxiety as a very painful realisation starts to emerge. From this point, it is only usually a matter of weeks before a soul crunching depression sets in and the life of the sufferer becomes seemingly unbearable.
Once the season has passed there appears to be a recovery. However, as Spenser Thomson observed about the Ague;
“One of the most remarkable features of intermittent fever, is its tendency to return upon those who have once suffered from it.”
So too with Spursy.
Dr Conte has been very clear that only an inoculation of silver platelets into the whole body of the patient will be successful. He has also set about a rigorous therapeutical approach to the problem of a winning mentality. However, this eminent physician knows too well that a cure for Spursy cannot be either complete or assured by an away win in Manchester. His patients know that as well.
Only when a winning mentality exists in the directors’ box, only when a winning mentality resides in the owner’s heart, only when it is realised that a football winning mentality starts and emanates from the top will Spursy be confined to the medical waste bin of history. In this final diagnosis, we can see the wood for the trees and understand that our well being relies on an owner that wants to be the steward of a football club rather than the manager of a balance sheet.
Perhaps we are at the start of recovery rather than just remission, but ultimately we all know the change we need to be fit and well again.