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The Latest Statement After ‘Some Wine’

By The Boy -

In bold we have the final and published transfer window wrap statement from Daniel Levy & Mauricio Pochettino.

In italic type, is what my own creation ‘Tiddly Daniel’ was heard to say to one side as the interview was progressing.

These asides are entirely fictions, designed purely for the reader’s amusement and in no way represent the manner in which this great club is run.

“At the end of last season Mauricio was clear what we needed to do and what we certainly shouldn’t do,” said Daniel. “He wanted to streamline the squad, strengthen it and retain the ability to develop the talent we already had. Importantly, we also needed to keep our key players.

“That meant reducing the squad number, improving the team defensively and adding exciting attacking forwards.

Hahahaha we actually shipped in N’Jie because he was cheap, and he might be useful to flog the plebs in Asia some tat from the shop. He was £3million up front. Lyon should get the rest by the time I get my mention. 

‘Keep our key players’  Christ, it’s good job none of them are being paid by the smile. What a dry bunch of thieving w*ankers. 

‘Streamline’ love that word. 

Line them all up …and then chuck them in a stream! Splash splosh splish…

 

It also meant that if we couldn’t secure the few key targets we wanted, we wouldn’t just add others. And we needed to keep the space for our current players to flourish.”

Pffft – a teensie bit of a fib there – I spent so long messing people about when I went back? All gone. All gone away. So we’ll say instead we were being really selective and ah, looking after our valiant youths. 

…who are pretty cheap to feed and clothe, generally. Apart from that Algerian one. I don’t like him. That’s not a proper beard. 

 

This summer we moved early to secure our targets and were able to conclude the acquisitions of Dele Alli from Milton Keynes (to join us this July), Toby Alderweireld from Atletico Madrid (on loan last season at Southampton), Kieran Trippier from Burnley and Kevin Wimmer from Cologne.We went on to add Clinton Njie from Olympique Lyonnais and Heung-Min Son from Bayer Leverkusen.

Of course we moved early on the sitters, I Bow Locks’d bothe the Schniederlin and Berahino deals, but fortunately, we’d already done a fair bit of work on Son. You know, before we decided he wasn’t good enough to make the Magnificent Seven. 

Oooh I love that film. Yul Brynner and I have an awful lot in common. He’s was a role model when I was growing up. 

Shall we dance, dada dad daa dah?

Aaron Lennon, Roberto Soldado, Paulinho, Etienne Capoue, Lewis Holtby, Benjamin Stambouli, Vlad Chiriches and Younes Kaboul departed the Club over the summer months and we wish them well for the future.

Stunk the place out!

The lot of them. The drunk, the transexual, the crack head and the …and the other drunk. 

Not upon reflection, very magnificent. 

More like men in their flying machines. 

Tora Tora. 

Pfffft. 

Mauricio said, “I look at our squad and I know we have worked well to shape it. Strengthening our defence was a priority given the number of goals we conceded last season. Toby, Kevin and Kieran add depth and quality.

“In Dele, Sonny and Clinton we have three young, fast and exciting players who can play in several different attacking positions, giving us good options.

“All of them had impressive seasons in their respective leagues last season and we are excited about their potential alongside that of our current players.

You tell ’em Maurice! 

Fast is good. Fast keeps the plebs happy. 

Whizz whizzerty whizz… 

“I have been very clear that we would only add players that we felt would improve us and if any one player was not possible then I prefer we do not add for the sake of it. Much has been said about us only having one recognised striker in Harry – I don’t accept this at all – the positional play of today’s forwards means it’s too simplistic to look for goals from any one position – playing a fluid style means players switch. Also we secured Sonny and Clinton in the knowledge that we may not be adding any other forward.”

That’s brilliant, keep saying their names and it actually sounds like we got more in. 

Daniel added, “We have never, as a Club, spoken about another team’s players and I am not about to do so now. However, I do want to make a few general points regarding transfers.

Oh ffs.

That f*cking Peace wallah.

Peace in our fakky time.

“Firstly, there is hardly a transfer concluded across Europe which doesn’t include staged payments. This is particularly so when significant amounts such as £20m-£30m are involved  – players don’t come cheaply these days.

You get what you pay for, I told Jeremy. And can I offer you another individually wrapped peanut? (I have them wrapped so they last longer.)

He’s balder than I am. 

But I didn’t see any Yul Brynner in him. 

He didn’t have the ears, you see.

“Secondly, we do not make anything personal. None of the proposals, discussions or negotiations we undertake involve any personal elements or ego – everything we do is in the interest of what is best for our Club.

I wanted to kill the egg fakky egghead but Donna said the press would put me ‘in the frame’. 

Watch out, Levy’s about, watch out, Levy’s about, you better watch out! *mimes shooting a rifle*

“Thirdly, we never make anything public, particularly in the best interests of the players involved. Making aspects such as transfer requests public is wholly disrespectful to a player.

Well we leak stuff, obviously. But as a rule, we never go public. I haven’t gone public since I was pubic.

“Our pragmatic player trading has been important in the way we have run the business of the Club and in getting us to the position where we have now been able to start work on a new stadium – the one thing that has the ability to take this Club to the next level of competitiveness. I make no apologies for being ambitious for our Club and looking to deliver future success for our fans.

Hahahaha. Oh that fakky ditch. I could pop egghead Peace in our time in there. Well I could if Donna didn’t know and the ditch wasn’t so shallow.

That was a very expensive ditch.

Did I tell you I made £11million quid selling a school to Legal & General? Bloody site better deal than the ditch. Ditch the fakky ditch!

“This season,” underlined Mauricio, “we start with a combination of our own players who have come through the ranks and players that bring skills and experience from other leagues. Most importantly, it’s a squad of players with heart – it’s a squad I’m proud to field.”

Hahaha, who wrote that last bit? Fakky brilliant. Players with heart. Build it and they will come. Ah, that was nice. 

We did that nicely Maurice.

Did you know, when I had hair, I was told I looked like Kevin Costner in a certain light? 

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