Tottenham Hotspur

How To Avoid Getting Laughed At By Small Children

How To Avoid Getting Laughed At By Small Children

The Arch-Deacon of Flat Earthers is loose again. Between Dan Kirkpatrick and John Crace, (article in link) ESPN really do have the knack of hiring dull clowns.

“Tottenham’s lack of transfer activity a sign of strength, growth from the club”

Thats’s Crace’s instantly mumbling, default apologetic, earnest pride in naff all headline. Please note the devoutly low key apologetic undertones in the fervent refusal to capitalise.

But I guess if you’re an emotionally stunted drone that draws succour from the glacial advancement of someone else’s investment company, you might feel content.

On the corner of Fingers Crossed and Deadbeat we find Crace pointing at how much Pogba cost and only just drawing short of giving us the full ‘Martin Cloake’ ..”.since the sale of Gareth Bale..” for the bazilyionth bloody time.

Jesus f____ing wept. It’s like the Sabotage Times’ SEO driven garbage died in vain.

“Spurs have moved on from the bad times of seasons past when chairman Daniel Levy’s failure to do deals was a matter of machismo rather than proper strategy.”

Crace, please. Daniel Levy is the reincarnation of John Inman, not John Wayne.

‘Welcome to Crace Brothers. Ooh, Captain Peacock have you seen my pussy? What have I told you about warming the tip of your tape-measure?!’

To suggest Levy was ever, could ever, be a tough guy has echoes ‘Levy Time’ myth. He’s time waster, and peripheral one at that.

I swear one of the saddest things I ever witnessed was Levy doing that Ice Bucket Challenge thing. President Perez wasn’t even aware he’d done it. He was far too busy ensuring Real Madrid’s reputation for winning trophies remained rock solid.

Meanwhile in London a short bald man was stood grinning – his poly-mix suit soaked through to his skin –  thinking that the was one of the Groovy Gang. In on the joke. What a tool.

When Ferguson said that Levy was ‘different’, it wasn’t a complement. What he was saying was that Levy was a near psychotic time-waster. Not a football man.

“The lesson that Spurs manager, Mauricio Pochettino, knows only too well is that spending money on new players is no guarantee of anything.”

Aside from who actually writes like this (did you not know who our manager was?) …sadly for Pochettino and anyone else that believes this twaddle, is that the Premier League has never been more about money.

Equally, anyone with half a brain doesn’t need the fridge magnet wisdom of Crace to tell us that there are no guarantees in life.

I hate to break to some of you, but this is where talent comes in. As BMW have proved, buying one of their cars doesn’t make you a good driver. Without talent, success happens by chance.

Yes there is a disparity in revenue size between Spurs and lots of other big clubs – but this isn’t purely down to the number of match day seats to be sold.

The gap comes in the size of the fan base, which is entirely down to the laughing stock that is Spurs’ trophy cabinet. Like it or not, kids are attracted to success.

Spurs have become an inherently unsuccessful club.

We all have young nephews etc and the vast majority of them are sporting Barcelona, Real Madrid, Chelsea or Manchester United shirts.

You can whine about this, whilst dancing on the head of a pin on someone else’s blog because the cold truth is that normal people – opposed to obsessive and deranged apologists – associate winning leagues, trophies and competing routinely in the final stages of top table competitions such as the Champions League – with success.

So what does one do if one doesn’t have the money and one doesn’t have the talent? Change your name to Daniel Levy? Well, John Crace appears to believe that Spurs’ best bet (and we should be piously proud of it) is to drop out of the rat race. Make our own clothes. Grow our own vegetables. Knit our own shoes.

The faith in youth is admirable. The desire to pick up pieces of carbon and polish them into diamonds is as noble as it ambitious. But neither are realistic or in any way sustainable models.

Just as relentlessly splurging cash isn’t a panacea either.

So the answer is rather anticlimactically, that you build a team.

Spend as wisely as you can as frequently as you can and if you are ever presented with the opportunity to do anything on the cheap, make bloody sure that it doesn’t jeopardise the entire mission.

Napoleon said not to interrupt an opponent when they making a mistake. Levy is not our enemy, he is simply an incompetent custodian of the brand. He cannot be fired, but he can be interrupted (admittedly less effectively than he could as we don’t have a fully functional Supporter’s Association, we have instead a blockage).

Crace is telling you that it’ll just be fine. Not to worry, Sit tight, don’t panic and try to enjoy the ride. In other words be passive and don’t look at hiring Wembley as a thin alternative to earning the right to play there, puff your chest out and don’t forget to mumble something or other about net spend and gradual improvement.

Now, both the unwillingness to spend and being incapable of winning anything go hand in hand with building and safeguarding an investment, but have zero to do with running a football club.

I’m not enjoying the ride, because I’m not a moron. I’m fatigued. In fact I’m straightforwardly worried that the impending Wembley fiasco is being completely underplayed despite a thick file of evidence based facts that point confidently at it being a really stupid idea.

It’s the Grand National of grounds. You do not ride there twice a month because you’d end up with a pile of dead horses.

Levy may be blissfully in denial, but there are some particularly choppy waters ahead for Tottenham Hotspur Football Club and anyone set on ‘enjoying the ride’ may want check that there isn’t a hole in the boat.

Rejoice yourself to death that we came second once. But please make sure there aren’t young children around you in Man Utd or Real Madrid shirts, or the chances are you’ll just get laughed at.

View Comments (39)
Comments
  • Aside from cerebrospinal fluid, what's on your mind?

  • TriniSpurs July 2, 2017 at 9:09 pm

    Doesn’t mean much on an island of 1.3 mil people, but i used to be 1 of probably 5 fans for the last 40 yrs. Over last 2 yrs, many more have joined, kids wearing the shirt. Even set up a supporters club. Besides the team improvement, most love the boy Dele. COYS!

  • JuandeInternational July 2, 2017 at 8:23 pm

    Of course you can never guarantee success, but if you spend nothing you certainly guarantee something.

    • ronwol196061🇨🇦 July 2, 2017 at 9:15 pm

      You wont do a Leeds?

      • JuandeInternational July 2, 2017 at 9:54 pm

        Leeds was a different era and masterminded by a spectacular idiot. We have the resources, but a chairman who won’t use them. If you don’t spend you are guaranteed to tread water or worse go backwards. If we defy what many of us believe is coming this season and win something then Poch will truly be a legend, but having seen what was served up at Wembley last season, what are the chances?

  • mikespurs July 2, 2017 at 7:34 pm

    Had alot of great a’s though

  • Mby July 2, 2017 at 7:34 pm

    Didn’t the transfer window open yesterday?

    • ronwol196061🇨🇦 July 2, 2017 at 7:56 pm

      Hahaha!!!

      The Panic!!!!
      The Panacea!!!!!!
      We need Pjanic!!!!

      • mikespurs July 2, 2017 at 8:09 pm

        Yesterday was sooooo four weeks ago. Yes im in panic mode. Hope the doctor can give me something

  • Tom July 2, 2017 at 7:03 pm

    Hello Harry,

    I agree with all your points on Levy wasting away time when we should aim to do our business early, get the job done and get the boys together in pre season ready to hit the ground running. There is one point where I have a different view. You mention that:

    ‘Like it or not, kids are attracted to success. Spurs have become an inherently unsuccessful club. We all have young nephews etc and the vast majority of them are sporting Barcelona, Real Madrid, Chelsea or Manchester United shirts.’

    Yes it is true our trophy cabinet is full of dust but I have seen a sea change in the amount of interest in our club from kids. I should explain that I am a teacher not some dangerous park loiterer. In the past year I have witnessed more and more Tottenham shirts being paraded around the playground. On top of this when I run the football team on a Saturday there are even more spurs shirts there. Additionally, one child when taking a free kick from thirty yards announced to everyone and anyone listening that he was going to do a Tottenham shot. Alright he smashed it into the bar but he said ‘ I’M GOING TO DO A TOTTENHAM SHOT’.

    What does this all mean????? Nothing and everything. Our brand is growing but trophy haul is not. Our squad is good but it is not being built upon.

    The reality is we have one season (maybe two with the lure of the new stadium) to start winning some big things or this squad which is one the best I have watched will be picked off and we will be back to building for the future.

    Well the future is here and now and we must go guns blazing. All or nothing. It is time to get all the kids doing Tottenham shots because if it doesn’t happen soon the Tottenham shot will become the ghost of something that could have been.

    To dare is to do.

    Let’s just fucking do it.

    • Harry Hotspur July 2, 2017 at 7:10 pm

      Cheers Tom. Carried me back to to playground, after a volley from the edge of the area I cry of ‘Crooks!’, a close range goal was ‘And it’ssss Archibaaaald!’

      • Tom July 2, 2017 at 7:39 pm

        For me a long range shot screaming in to a top corner was met with the war cry, ‘Steven Carr… That’s surely sealed the win now’. A toe poke from three yards out was an ‘Iverson’ and any header was ‘doing a Ferdi’. All mistakes were blamed on Ramon Vega.

        • Harry Hotspur July 2, 2017 at 7:41 pm

          Heh heh heh.

        • Matt July 2, 2017 at 9:58 pm

          Calder wood was always our mistake man. Signed with reasonable fanfare with the nickname ‘The Fridge.’ As my goon mate pointed out later – “how apt, a fridge moves about as quickly as your Colin.’ Hopefully Levy won’t balls this opportunity up, but I my head says he doesn’t give a shit anyway.

    • mikespurs July 2, 2017 at 7:12 pm

      +1

  • mikespurs July 2, 2017 at 6:39 pm

    The real question is. As i have mentioned, i see kids all over the city come up to me working with my spurs cap & say “come on you spurs”. Quite incredible. The spurs have this cool hip attraction about them here in the states. But……. if levy doesnt spend this odd credibility the spurs have & turn it into trophys. Will these young minds hold onto their photos of a spurs kit & say “ive been a supporter my whole life”? Or will they hide the photo like every teenager in the 80s that thought they looked good in a mullet? Only time will tell

  • TomTom61 July 2, 2017 at 6:20 pm

    Hopefully sell him and invest in an upgrade.

    • mikespurs July 2, 2017 at 6:23 pm

      Hmmmm, so brillant & simple, might just work. Problem is……… whos the muff thats gonna buy him?

  • SoCalYid July 2, 2017 at 6:12 pm

    so is shitsoko staying or going?

    • mikespurs July 2, 2017 at 6:16 pm

      If he stays there will be trouble………..if he goes it will be double……..

  • ronwol196061🇨🇦 July 2, 2017 at 5:53 pm

    In my latter years,about 756 a.d.,I didnt have the pace to be an inside attacker,so I played defence…I really wasnt an athlete and has spent my youth with a dynamic right foot..could hit a blistering shot, create with a sensational deft pass right to a teammate no matter how far (on my left was totally hopeless)
    But later I got an ete to defend.I coukd read the play and suss out where to go…we used to play a pick up game much later and a few Spanish blokes would play…one if them woukd dazzle and have all the moves of Ronaldo (relatively)…….I defended against him very well because I decided to mot watch the trickery of his feet,when I realized the ball didnt move as much as his feet and I stopped him time and time again and his best move became a lay off the one if his teammates.

    Im not worried what Levy does or mostly what he doesnt do.
    I watch Poch. He is my best indicator of whats happening. Poch has all tbe cards and we dont know what he thinks. We know Levy.Yes you can have your own viewpoint about his plan one way or the other but we all know what he does and what he doesnt do.vYpu dont hsve to be a brain surgeon.
    Its Poch that holds the immediate future of tge club in his hands.We know Levy has his own prohtam and what it us but we dont know Pochs.
    We can only see what he doesnt do.
    We dont know his relationship with Levy,his demands,his needs,his wants,what he accepts and what he doesnt accept.
    It doesnt give us the plan. I know for a fact that he 100% has leverage. He isnt a slave I dont think.
    Dont watch Levy. Watch Poch for clues. So far he seems to be with the program or he is not as strong as we think.

    • caveman July 2, 2017 at 6:02 pm

      Dilemma, dilemma, dilemma

  • Ossie's knees July 2, 2017 at 5:40 pm

    Tell you what for free – if we’d spent some decent money on a young up and coming striker last summer, then we’d probably be PL Champions right now. I can’t understand these morons who think we’re actually doing it right, yet fail to take our obvious lack of tangible progress (trophies) into the equation?

    • mikespurs July 2, 2017 at 6:20 pm

      I think the problem is your doing the wrong math equation

  • AccringtonSpurs July 2, 2017 at 5:25 pm

    Just as relentlessly splurging cash isn’t a panacea either.

    So the answer is rather anticlimactically, that you build a team.

    Spend as wisely as you can as frequently as you can and if you are ever presented with the opportunity to do anything on the cheap, make bloody sure that it doesn’t jeopardise the entire mission.

    This.

  • melcyid July 2, 2017 at 5:12 pm

    hoots mon Ronwol,brigadoon aaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaa
    I used to visit with some of my mates in our teens to see their nans on the way to the match.they were just like her couldnt wait to get away they were scary

    • ronwol196061🇨🇦 July 2, 2017 at 5:56 pm

      I can watch Nan,like The Godfather II a million times.Genius does that.

      • mikespurs July 2, 2017 at 6:50 pm

        Everytime im out………they pull me right back in. Wups, wrong godfather

  • Sid Trotter July 2, 2017 at 5:11 pm

    Less is more

    • melcyid July 2, 2017 at 5:12 pm

      more or less

    • Superspoz 🔪 July 2, 2017 at 5:48 pm

      That’s heavy

  • Alwaysnextweek July 2, 2017 at 5:02 pm

    So in conclusion Levy is a twat?

    • mikespurs July 2, 2017 at 6:15 pm

      He was a twat before……….yes……….still a twat

  • Sid Trotter July 2, 2017 at 5:01 pm

    Spending money is not wise. Never a lender nor borrower be. Levy time

    • mikespurs July 2, 2017 at 6:52 pm

      Is that like miller time? Crap bear, crap levy

  • TomTom61 July 2, 2017 at 5:00 pm

    Surely we’ll strengthen the squad this window ffs.

    • Alwaysnextweek July 2, 2017 at 5:20 pm

      We will.

      We will buy 4 players at £60m apiece. and pay them £10m each a year over 5 years. Just need to borrow £440m and then do the same thing next year and so on… On the back of this there is a good chance we will pick up a League cup over the next 3 years.

      Ah fuck it I think I will just go support Madrid. Anybody supporting a club that regularly fails to win trophies is as big a twat as Levy.

      • mikespurs July 2, 2017 at 6:18 pm

        Beware of the kids, they’ll know your a fake & will laugh at you

  • RecaroN17 July 2, 2017 at 4:54 pm

    New blog.

  • SoCalYid July 2, 2017 at 4:48 pm

    Well at least 3rd string GK almost across the line…maybe

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