Good morning where you are. And straight to it, Eduardo Santiago writing for Portuguese outlet Desporto last night, says here he has ‘a source close to the process’ and João Filipe Iria Santos Moutinho will play at White Hart Lane next season. Strong stuff. Santiago goes on to say that THFC had declined to comment and that Monaco were another interested party.

The problem with the article is that it suggests that the €40m RRP of Moutinho would be cushioned by the sale of …you guessed it, Gareth Bale. Mmmmn. Another negative, if you were looking for one, and I know you are, is that the same site published a far briefer, ‘staff writer style piece’ here a little before the Santiago one, saying that it was Monaco that were in the frame.

The Primeira Liga, Taça de Portugal, Super Cup and UEFA Europa League winner may be André’s transfer of choice, but he’s not even close to a typical Levy & Co. target. He’s 27 in September and if the board were to go bonkers and buy him, then it would be nothing other than a ‘Hollywood or bust’ signing.

I hope we get him. Even though it’s the hope that eats away at our very souls.

Guten Morgan.

André gave his pre Sunderland presser this morning as I ‘m sure a good many of you will already be aware. And as Eddie Waring said to Stuart Hall, the devil’s in the detail. “You know this club is very active in the last weeks of the transfer window, so you can see that speculation is growing here and there..” And so, there it is, from the bottom of the cup, the tea leaves translated. If you’re holding your breath, the only true guarantee you’ll get is an imminent feeling of mild dizziness. 

I hear people use the phrase ‘smokescreen’ occasionally in relation to football transfers. You know, I’ve never heard it used intelligently or for that matter, seen it borne out to show it was applied accurately. For ‘last weeks,’ read Jim White on deadline day night, in a commercial break, power planting the last of his amyl nitrate capsules up his anus with bicycle pump and the liberal application of a single serving pat of Flora Light, from the Sky Sports staff canteen.

This David Villa thing is certainly, definitely a maybe. Guillem Balague just Tweete About David Villa and Spurs: Barcelona are selling, around 12m euros would take him. He wants PL football, but has not decided club yet. Which at the risk of appearing miserable, sounds an awful lot like his people are touting for business and listening to offers. An area where we lack copious amounts of ‘good track record.’ We seem to do well when there isn’t any competition, when Levy & Co snide in early and use CIA mind washing techniques, or when any other interested parties die of boredom.

On that guy Rebic – the Croatian tip  from the other day -  “I have no idea who this player is, Im sorry. I don’t know where this has come from. Hes not someone I’m looking at.”  On Luke Shaw, “Any player who makes a breakthrough at the age that he has is absolutely unbelievable…”

The last weeks it is then. Can’t wait. No really.

Good evening where you are.

Courtesy of the world wide web, which ODM’s carer in chief has assured me personally is, ‘lots of fun, for all age groups.’ We get this harrowing yet simultaneously heart warming image.

So what were the possible exchanges that took place betwixt our ginger naffin’ genius, and the cockney mafioso? You know the drill by now. Funniest quip wins a a fortnight in a in a static holiday home in West Runton, second prize a month und so weiter until we eventually rid the Internet of ‘types’ like you, sonny.

Good afternoon.

The breaking news is of course that Dances With Scones, Jake Livermore, Bonzo and Azza Blud have been accused of being out on the lash and not quite getting into a punch up with some streak of wee wee from popular beat combo, One Direction. The line that killed me from The Mirror was ‘…jeroboams of vodka on a VIP table – where the minimum spend is £5,000 a night – at Mayfair’s Funky Buddha club.’ Funky Buddha or ‘Cad Central’ as it must be if the place is haunted with overpaid fairies chucking their weight as well as their wonga about.

Is this story true? Well the last tale of Lennon copping a feel of some waitress was a complete fabrication, so why would this be any more plausible? What’s funniest is picturing the scene of these two testosterone machines squaring up to each other. Imagine a kerfuffle in the Camberwick Green Tea Rooms, and you’re halfway there.

Elsewhere, David Villa’s name is increasingly doing the rounds. Is it true? Well I’ll share this with you. It’s a tale, almost identical to the Damiao one. There may be a kernel of truth in there, somewhere. But this is gossip from a radio station being repeated and repeated and repeated. Nobody’s adding weight to the suggestion.

And this will probably go the same way as the Damiao business. The near subliminal effect of his name in the papers every day until the window closing will have people threatening to leap off multistory car park rooves if we fail to sign him. Personally I’d prefer someone under 30, and someone who wasn’t a risk.

The latest Hotspur’s Half Hour is out. Possibly one of our finest productions to date. Unless you’ve heard the other ones.

Look, we all got busted on the ‘hope’ of Wigan draw, or better vibe, but listening to ODM, Bruxie and the new, clean shaven sounding me is that we all clearly think ‘this‘ is still very much doable. Of course that is the very Opus Dei like nature of our support. I guess.

The Newshound sicks up a couple of ITK names in the frame and we ponder Sunderland. This week’s terrace choons from Matt Loveridge are, well, quite frankly, stellar. A sea shanty and a reworking of a popular beat combo’s best selling hit single.

In short, you’d be stark raving mad not to click on it.

Transfer tittle tattle junkies may want to hear that both The Haringey Independent and the Enfield Independent are both running with a reheated, rehashed tale incorporating the name of Alvaro Negredo. That’s not very independent of them, is it now?

Afternoon to you.

Football’s gruesome side shows its face again. Queens Park Rangers’ Loic Remy along with two other ‘gentlemen’ have been arrested in connection with an allegation of rape made by a 34 year old woman.  Meanwhile in the Paddy Power offices, interns are busy busy busy creating full kit wonker type photoshop ‘funnies’ featuring John Terry who is likely to not feature in yet another Blue Racist final. Modern football is indeed pance.

Oh yes. Reality bit, right into the marrow as the Arse walloped Wigan and left us dependent upon the outcome of not only our game against Sunderland, but Arsenal’s trip to Sid James’ Park. I’m not bent out of shape that it’s Arsenal, other than the fact that they simply don’t look remotely like collapsing anytime soon. Sure they were aided last night by a quite frankly knackered looking Wigan, but they looked like a side that had genuinely benefited from a good rest and a trip to Tyneside is highly unlikely to phase them.

I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again, if Levy & Co. don’t, or can’t back André in the next window for whatever reason then we become a more dynamic version of Everton.

We’re linked with Matej Vydra. Eh? Well he’s a 21 year old Udinese striker on loan at Watford. What would he cost? Well, Watford take on Crystal Palace in the npower Championship Play-Off Final on Monday 27th of May and the result of this game is likely to radically effect his value. Expect bids around £5m upwards.

Rumour has it, that this very night, some intransigents are playing some mob who won pot at the weekend, but why bore you with that, when I can bore you with this…!

Spurs have been caught scouting. Probably. Thought to be valued at some €9m, Nicolas Robert Christian Lombaerts is a 28 year old left back who plays for Zenit St Petersburg – with whom he has won the Russian Premier League, Russian Cup not to mention the Russian Super Cup. Oh yes. He also has 21 appearances for Belgium to his name. 

The news comes from Izvestia, and the player’s agent Stefan Van Heester is quoted as saying that his client is happy enough at Zenit. But, or so we are too believe, not sufficiently happy to sign an extension. Perhaps happy enough to ‘try his hand in Europe.’ So did we scout the boy, or is this the old leverage ploy? You have to say, that whilst we could do with a reliable left back (hello Benny), it is easy to link a Belgium with us as we already have a couple on the premises.

‘Nico’ was voted the best foreign player in the Russian championship. So there.

Good morning where you are.

Stoke away is what we call in the trade an unfun fixture. But you can’t ask much more from the boys than a Charlie Adam sending off, a few choruses of happy birthday, and 3 points in the bank. Also an honorable mention for Mr Friend, the referee. Given that trying to play a decent game of football with Stoke is akin to a really cute choirboy trying not to get raped in a Catholic church, he did a particularly decent job.

For much of the first half we made very heavy weather of things. The early goal didn’t help, of course. Cue our inherent frangibility. At which point our unrelentingly good away support did a job and had the awful Britannia had a roof, they would have blown the thing right off. If the Villas-Boas era thus far is defined by much, then it is the wholesale fresh approach to the mindset of players. Yes, we get knocked down, but now get back up again. There was a time when we didn’t. Especially if it was a bit windy, a bit rainy.

The first half was sluggish viewing. The pitch was heavy, the grass long, and oh how readily the ‘more suitable for rugby’ quips come to mind. This was largely as André had set out his stall to try and match Tony’s. This wasn’t fatal, but it did waste a hell of a lot of time. What we aided was a game marred by congestion whenever we sought to attack, a game that marginalised Adebayor’s potential.

Dances With Scones has had mixed reviews of late on here. But it’s over. The results from the boys in the lab are back and he’s rubbish. Another game of trundling around, zonally marking fresh air, occasionally pointing, pointlessly. This is also known as hiding. When Adam went off, it was a fairer affair, ten vs ten. Harsh, but how unfair? His umpteenth season with us, yet his only discernible strength – clinging onto his contract with a vice like grip.

Last summer, Tommy failed a medical when forced at gunpoint, to naff off to Stoke. Yesterday he failed the audition to play for Spurs. Difficult to recall a pass or even a corner that wasn’t wildly over hit. The ‘shhhhoooot’ thing has sadly become laughable.

So we move effortlessly from the fans of a player ‘perceived’ as good, who bloody well isn’t, to one that is ‘perceived’ as being rubbish, but isn’t! USA! USA! USA!

Deuce has had dog’s abuse but facts is facts. Let me preface this by saying I never particularly warmed to Robbie Keane in a Spurs shirt. Which is an incredibly daft thing to admit, but at least I’m being honest. I enjoyed almost anyone else’s goals more than I did his. Oh, and please don’t bother to ‘convert’ or boorishly explain the error of my ways to me. I don’t like tuna either, and you extolling the virtues of said fish simply ain’t gonna change my mind.

12 goals and 5 assists say he’s been great value. His critics will be quick to remind us all that he’s also pitched in some mind blowingly dull shifts to balance this out. I would counter that counter by saying, you’d be hard pushed to not to apply that to any of our first team regulars.

On to Bale and it’s great to know he’s a HH reader. Yes, he more or less central, but his contribution was sizable. He saw lots of the ball, but moreover, he was frequently crucial in us retaining possession. I liked the fact he was clearly making a concerted effort to try and pull a string or two. We need men like this.

Our chance creation factor was pretty miserable. Azza Blud didn’t do enough. Bored to death with his fairy cake injury spiel. Thudd’s all round woefulness we’ve covered. It was only when we spread our play to eventually give it width were Stoke teased into unraveling a little. Lennon was at his timid worst. It’s wit and guile that open up crud like Stoke, not indiscernibly flitting about the place. This weak willed schtick is hopeless.

Awesome Dawson was a mixed bag. Hate the hoofing, love the heart. Adebayor was eventually good. But it took the shape of the side to change to affect this. Defoe was close to no use. AVB was slow to get the subs on. Wot’s new?

Good afternoon where you are.

The draw at Second Hand Fridge was all very credible, but we know well where it left us. Today is about winning. How we win has to go out the window somewhat given the consequences. Lawro predicts a 1-1 draw, but then by his book, QPR are still on for a UEFA spot.

In the press, Ade has ‘opened his heart’ to The Sun:

We sit one point behind Arsenal in fourth, so it is a good position for us. Now we’ve got two more games to go. Last year we finished in the top four so why not this year?”

The cynics in the audience might point to the fact that for far too frequently the season his contributions were borderline woeful. A crumb of comfort, today of course is that his game against Chelsea was pretty imperious. If he can reproduce the flair, wit and all round magnificence of that performance, this could be a memorable game for all the right reasons.

BIOYSCC!

The tension mounts.

Aston Villa face Chelsea today, a big day at Villa Park. The vox humana will of course be swelling over the sad retirement of Stiliyan Petrov and relief can be just as big a motivator as fear can. Lambert, ably assisted by Benteke being on fire and Barren Dent keeping well out of the way. If Chelsea win they leave us to scrap for the last remaining Champions League place with the Woolwich Wanderers. Betting wise, you would struggle to oppose the logic or the value in a score draw.

Stoke away for us, and anyone actually looking forward to this is either fibbing or still recovering from some incredible, deep rooted, personal trauma and aren’t truly sure how they feel about about anything. Curiously Stoke were tipped for relegation about a month a go. The ‘in crisis’ phrase was wheeled out, but the truth is they have 41 points and they aren’t scrapping. Well, no more then usual.

If we are to win this, then we desperately need to show a lot more wit and craft than we have done of late. We cannot start Huddlestone, we need to see Bale own the game and not be happy to become lost in an overcrowded central position. We need Caulker to play and we need Jan on the left. Away win is not only desirable of course, but an outcome that Unibet have excellent prices on. 

Everton will be portrayed as s side ‘coming to terms’ with the departure of David Moyes but it would be naive to imagine that a deal of this magnitude wasn’t thrashed out a good while ago. Both sides have done a decent enough job at holding their own, this is a game you really would want to tip this as a score draw.

Fulham face a Suarez free Liverpool. Fulham are on a legendary run of abysmal form, having secured a single point from a possible eighteen, over their last six games. The ever delusional boss of Liverpool said in a pre match interview “We’re 30 points behind the leaders.’ In other news, if you put a pound a week in a your Post Office account, after a million weeks, you’ll be a millionaire. It’s a tough one to call, but betting against a Suarez free Liverpool, doesn’t seem too risky at all. Home win.

On Tuesday night Arsenal play a Wigan side who irrespective of whatever happens at Wembley, will need a win to stand a chance of avoiding relegation. The Gooners have only dropped points against Everton and Manchester United in their last six games and their is nothing in the form of either to suggest that they won’t murder Wigan. Home win.